Weight in the Wings

📅 2014

【ᴄᴡ ғᴏʀ ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏғ sɪ/sʜ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴍᴏᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ᴍᴀɴɪᴘᴜʟᴀᴛɪᴏɴ & ᴀʙᴜsᴇ ᴅʏɴᴀᴍɪᴄs】

In Athena's mind, Kato and Leucosia were about as compatible as a hammer and a screw. Yeah, from a distance or if you squinted, they looked like the perfect pair. But in reality there was too much resistance, too much force involved. Damage was inevitable. She wanted to say something about it, but Kato would’ve felt attacked, or worse, would have felt attacked on Leu’s behalf, and gotten all defensive—if not outright hostile. Still, she needed to voice it to someone. 

She headed over to Eocene sometime before the actual evening, when the lights were up and everything was a little emptier. Bayer was busy setting up behind the bar for the evening rush, but there were few enough early afternoon weekday drinkers for them to at least briefly exchange greetings.

“Hey, Athena. You’re here early,” he said, slipping her a jackless jack-n-coke—what anyone else would’ve called “a soda,” but which Astra always referred to as a ‘Jackoff,’ so it’d become an inside joke of an off-menu cocktail. “All tail, no cock, just how I like it,” Astra would kid. Athena took it and relaxed into a stool; into the relative levity of simply being there.
“Rough day, bartend,” she half-joked. “Not really, I mean, I’m fine. But ya know. Is Astra around?”
“Right behind ya,” Astra said, spinning Athena’s barstool and hopping up on the counter to face her. Athena rolled her eyes and held her hand over her glass while she waited to stop spinning. Astra grinned and stopped the stool with her foot.
“Sorry, couldn’t resist. What’s up, ‘Thena?” Astra leaned forward; chin in her hands, elbows on her knees; sisterly, attentive. Athena gave a long-suffering sort of head-shake, shrugging.
“Somehow Kato’s relationship has become, like, my problem, so I needed to get out of there for a grip.”
“Well, by all means, get a grip,” Astra joked, but her smile softened and she reached out to touch Athena’s shoulder. “Talk about it.”

“Ugh.” Athena sighed and gestured vaguely. “At first I was, like, thrilled for him and shit, yanno? Like, he wouldn’t admit he’s a talented lyricist if you had a gun to his head. He picks his songs apart like a meth-head picks their face, blood under his nails and everything. And then she’s writing straight up paragraphs dissecting every good choice he made in a chorus to tell him how great he did and, I mean, she lit him up.”
“Rough past tense,” Astra offers. “I know what you mean, though. Bry’s that for G². She wants to make sure people feel recognized. Sounds like Leu’s fallen off?”

“Understatement of the year…” Athena shook her head again and took a sip of her soda. “I don’t know what her deal is. I thought maybe we’d end up tight? She’s always got a wall up with me, though. Seems like she tosses walls as a hobby—K’s been killing himself over it. She’ll just totally shut him out until she can be miserable at him. Then he’s driving me nuts because he’s like a drug addict with her attention, I dunno. Talking about ‘she used to do this, now she’s not, are my songs not good anymore, what am I doing wrong? She only talks about being upset now.’ You know? Telling me, ‘I’ve tried doing this and that and writing her poems and blah blah, but she’s still all blah, why is she blah, should I blah?’ And I’m like, ‘Kato…Just stop!’ I feel bad for being annoyed, but…”
“No, I mean, I get it. It’s one thing to have someone vent to you, it’s another thing when you feel like you’re supposed to fix it somehow,” Astra offered.
“I dunno, maybe. I don’t think he actually expects me to fix anything? I just wish I could. He does ask what he should do, or not do, or if his feelings are ‘wrong,’ but I don’t think they are this time!” Athena put up her palms. “I’m just so exhausted on his behalf. He’s unreasonable plenty, but not this time, dude, that’s why it’s my problem. She picks fights with him, like, he’ll try and talk to her about feeling brushed off or whatever, and she’ll be like, ‘no actually you’re doing that, and also I’m sad, so,’ as though he didn’t just write her 5 songs. He’s just like, ‘they must not be good enough.’ Like, he believes her that he’s in the wrong! I want to fight her. Meanwhile me and Anarchy have to reassure him all the time about everything and he’s basically asking if he’s allowed to be mad, and I’m like, ‘shit, I hope so, because I sure am!’” 

Astra opened her mouth to reply, but then something behind Athena caught her gaze and she sealed her lips again. Turning, Athena saw Bryluen and Gabe coming towards them from the back entrance. Gabe appeared somewhat downcast; dark eyes, frowning. Bryluen seemed vaguely worried, even fussy, over him and requested a tonic water from Bayer which she pressed into Gabe’s hand.

“Hi, Athena,” she greeted, ushering Gabe to sit in the stool between them; “It’s good to see you here! I hope we’re not interrupting?”
“No, I mean, now I gotta stop talking, but it’s chill. What’s up, Gabe?”
“Bah, just some dumb crap. Glad you’re here.” Gabe’s eyes crinkled at the corners and his expression brightened, even as he put on a joking brow furrow and added, “Why you clamming up, though? Keeping secrets, talking shit? What happened to flock together?”
“Oh, flock off,” Athena ribbed him in return; “I'm not talking shit about you. Maybe a friend of yours though.” 
Gabe lifted his eyebrows with interest and half-raised his glass to open the floor, which Athena met with a resigned, if uncomfortable, sort of shrug.
“Well, I know she’s your friend and all, but Leucosia is kinda driving me up a wall.”

“You’re not actually alone in that,” Bryluen interjected, then covered her mouth. “Sorry, Gabe. The two of us were just talking, before we came in…” She patted Gabe’s shoulder; he sighed.
“I’ve been feeling kind of cruddy ‘cause of her too, lately, I guess,” he said. “What’s your beef?”
“Just the way she treats Kato…What’s yours?” Athena tilted her head.
“More selfish, unfortunately…” Gabe folded his arms on the bar counter.
“You’re not being selfish, Gabe, she’s totally abandoned you,” Bryluen said, frowning.
“Yeah, we’ve drifted…” Gabe spun his glass around on the counter. “She used to say I was her best friend. She doesn’t have that many friends, that’s why, ya know, I wanted to introduce her to everyone. She’d just gotten out of a shitty relationship that made her really isolated. She’s, uh, had a few of those. So, I thought she needed, like, a crew.”
“Yeah, I got that vibe off her, but she’s never seemed all that into talking with me,” Athena said.
Astra gave a shrug a tad too apologetic to be equivocal. “I’ve felt the same way. I thought she was maybe just shy or something, but…yeah. Polite enough! But real closed-off.”
“It’s not fair, Gabe,” Bryluen stated, sitting up straighter. “You do the kindness of opening your world up to her and she just…oh, I’m sorry, I know it’s not my place to comment! But she should at least return your messages!”
Athena quirked an eyebrow. “She ghosting both you and K-O, then?” she asked him.

Gabe shook his head. “Probably not at the same time, no. She hardly ever talks to me now except when she and K are on the outs. Which sucks all on it’s own, right, ‘cause it means I get texts once or twice a month, and it’s always because she’s miserable and not because she wants to just…talk to me, or reply to anything I said to her. I don’t even believe half the stuff she says about Kato when she does reach out.”
“The fuck kind of stuff is she saying?” Athena asked. Her frown steepened. “I was telling Astra I was starting to feel fighty, and let me just say—”
 “It’s just, like, her same script from high school,” Gabe interrupted. “She did the same kind of thing back then, and after. I just didn’t see…the forest for the trees, I guess. But it’s the same complaints, every time. Same pattern: She feels unloved, she feels misunderstood, she feels like no one meets her where she’s at. But, like, this time I know the guy!” Gabe threw up his hands. “Hell, this time the guy is someone who became one of my best friends in no time flat! This time I’ve helped the guy record singles he wrote dedicated to her! So when she’s like, coming to me—ignoring a text I sent about how a shitty visit with my dad went or something—so she can bitch about how she ‘loves with her whole heart’ but ‘nobody ever makes her feel like it matters,’ I just…don’t know what to tell her anymore. When I talk to Kato, he’s clearly sad about her being upset—”
“And half the time he doesn’t really get what happened!” Athena said, maybe more sharply than she meant to. “Sorry. I know it’s not on you. It just pisses me off, because…I live with him! And K, yeah, he’ll say some crap sometimes and act like a bitch, but…”
“But it doesn’t add up, no, I know. That’s what I was gonna say. He’ll own some shitty things he said or did but it just doesn't jive with the picture she paints of him. She’ll be, like, you know, ‘he always treats me like a problem, I never feel like I’m good enough for him, he can’t make the time for me, blah blah.’” 
“Yeah, meanwhile he feels the same way and is quadruple texting her, hoping for half a second of attention while she says she’s busy…Who isn’t making time for who, I wonder?” Athena scoffed. “I wish they’d break up. I’m not even stuck trying to play the mediator and I’m sick of hearing about it.”
“Me fuckin’ too! Cheers,” Gabe said. They clinked glasses, including Astra and Bryluen, to whom Bayer had brought a pair of non-virgin drinks.

“Gabe’s tried that angle,” Bryluen said, still frowning her concern, having clearly been as much a confidante for Gabe as Astra had been for Athena. “Gently, of course! Kindly—you know him. But…”
“I’m getting less gentle by the minute, Bry, honestly,” Gabe sighed. “Yeah, I mean, with her casting him like that obviously my first response was ‘hash it out and try again, I hate seeing my friends both in pain.’ But she’d fight me on it, acting like Kato’s some asshole like all the ones in high school who made her feel like shit. So with that and everything that started before the tour, where they were screaming at each other and throwing shit and slamming doors and all, I switched gears a little.”
“That sounded really bad,” Athena conceded. “On both ends, I mean.”
“It really should have ended things, don’t you think?” Bryluen asked. She put her chin in her hand. “Do we know who actually threw something?”
“The first time? Leu did—her phone,” Athena replied instantly, grimacing. “Kato told me. I think that started a trend, though, after we got back. Shit’s so fuckin’ bad between them sometimes.”
“God, I know,” Gabe said, sinking deeper in his chair. “Kato said she threw a plate at him a bit ago so he just chucked the rest of ‘em on the floor…They keep going ‘round like that. And then they both hurt themselves over it until they get back together. I guess I thought I was being diplomatic. Trying to let them both have their truth. So to Leu, when she’s telling me things, I’ve been like, ‘alright, then maybe you two aren’t right for each other and you both need to move on.’ But then she’s arguing with me again—but Kato gets her, but she’s never felt this way before, but she’s the problem and I’m blowing Kato’s role in things out of proportion, somehow. I want to tear my hair out.”

“You can’t win for losing, eh bud?” Astra asked, reaching across Athena to clap Gabe on the shoulder.
“I feel like…like I'm just a void for her to scream into whose echo is somehow always wrong! And I’m apparently just a friend of convenience now—but maybe not even: It wouldn’t be hard to make time for me, too, I’ve been there with Kato half the time anyway! I really like hanging with her at the studio when she comes with, it’s like old times. But I also know she’s there to be closer to him, ‘cause she’s still incommunicado the rest of the time so…Like, the fuck…”
“Not like it takes that long to answer a text anyway,” Athena agreed. “I’d pause practice if you texted me that a visit with your dad went south. You know I would.”
“Yeah, ‘Thena, I know you’d get back to me about any dumb shit I sent you within a day. But even if you didn’t—hell, if any of you didn’t—it wouldn’t be as big a deal because you’d at least comment about what I said when y’all did reply. It wouldn’t be like, ‘hey Bryluen we’re putting out a single next Friday, wanna show?’ then six days pass and it’s just ‘sorry I’ve been so busy because my boyfriend and I are fighting and so I relapsed and missed work from crying so hard and now I’m scared I’ll get fired and not make rent and be homeless.’ And it’s like…yeah I guess my single doesn’t really matter in comparison. Talk to you next crisis, I guess… Best friends forever.” He sat up straighter and a startled look crossed his face. He waved his hands. “I know that sounds cold! It’s just that it’s all the time.”
“No, I get it,” Athena said, tapping her hand on the bar in front of him. “I was saying the same sort of thing to Astra about K-O. It’s a fucking drag to always be a plus-one to a pity party. Kato’s not that bad, but...”

Bryluen sourly shook her head, her brow tightening. “Honestly, Gabe, she just sounds really selfish. And like she just wants you on the hook whenever she’s sad. Does she share her joy with you too? Ever? Because that's something that matters to me, at least. Do the people around me want to share their joy and successes with me, or are they only bringing me problems to fix because they know that I'll try? You and Ian always share your joy. Astra, certainly!…And I hope I share mine with you, too.”
“Bry, you’re the reason for all the joy and success, of course you do!” Gabe laughed, but it faded quickly and his expression grew thoughtful, even brooding. “I dunno,” he finally said, “Maybe sometimes. Not recently…she’s hung around during my joy, ya know? I can’t say she never encouraged me either. She did.”
“But?” Athena prompted.
“But, I mean, Bry’s telling it to me straight, like usual. ‘Cause, yeah, a lot of our friendship has felt like me sharing my joy with her, and, like, trying to protect her from this…endless onslaught of misery and suffering. Because, well…I only really know how she’s doing when she’s miserable. Otherwise, she barely talks to me. She talks to whichever guy it is at the time. And…I think most of her joy involves that, so…she’ll tell me she’s happy with a dude or about a date night or something as an aside. But it’s not like she’ll want to hang out and just talk to me, or make plans, or game together, or anything. So basically I’m having an awesome time, and she’s like, ‘oh that’s great. My life sucks still.’ And I feel weird about it.”
“So what’s the point, then, really, Gabe?” Bryluen asked, tenderly touching his shoulder again. “You’re using up so much energy thinking about her needs, and her pain. For why? When she makes you feel like your happiness is just gloating or…irrelevant?”
“I guess because she called me her best friend and I know she felt like no one cared…” Gabe drained the rest of his tonic water and studied the reflection of the bar’s lights in the glass. “Maybe you’re right, though. I need to get some distance, huh?”

“Not gonna catch me disagreeing,” Athena said, lifting her hands. She shook her head. “Like, I’m sorry, but fuck this girl. She’s always blowing up on Kato for no reason and making him feel shitty for feeling happy too. I’m sold, she sucks.” She finished her drink as well. “No offense, Gabe, I know she’s important to you. But talk about hating to see your friends in pain…”
“Not pressed about it, ‘Thena. Thanks.” Gabe gave her a swift, one-armed hug. “Glad I’ve got you guys in my corner.”

Gabe mentioned upon leaving that he might talk to Kato a bit about it all at some point, and privately, Athena hoped that would pump the brakes. Or the break-ups, whatever. Unfortunately all that seemed to happen was that Kato tried to remind Leucosia to talk to Gabe and maintain her friendships better, which inevitably led to her spiraling and hurting herself and dragging Kato along while she lamented being someone who ruined everything—a sentiment too close to Kato’s heart for him to not latch onto; connect with her over.

Athena tried not to feed into it—it wasn’t true, and he was one of her best friends—but he was still him, still prone to starting shit that she wasn’t particularly talented at ending, because her friend did have an unfortunate talent for getting under the skin. It always drove him closer to Leucosia, then, when he was having his own spats with Athena or Anarchy or Gabe, and the two of them flickered in and out of feeling alone and ostracized together, twin flames burning everything down around them and intermittently consumed by shame over it. 
Athena couldn’t even take all that much heart in the good times, too aware that she was only waiting for things to grow stormy again.

“I just wish he knew we were here for him and would let us pull him the fuck out,” Athena told Fawkes, at Cinnabar Ink with Anarchy, where they were getting matching knuckle tattoos together— “Infinity” for her, “Infinite” for him. Kato had gotten huffy about it and gone to Leucosia’s place, despite the fact that he already had knuckle tattoos and they hadn’t been trying to exclude him from anything.
“Sometimes you have to wait it out,” Fawkes advised, shading in the Y on Athena’s pinkie. “Maybe it’s good enough for him right now, even if we all know the tides will change, like always. All we can do is keep being here. He’ll need us to be.”