Unspoken Words, Untaken Chances

📅  early spring, 2011

【ᴛᴡ ғᴏʀ ᴀʟʟᴜsɪᴏɴ ᴛᴏ ᴇᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴅɪsᴏʀᴅᴇʀ sʏᴍᴘᴛᴏᴍs/ᴍɪɴᴅsᴇᴛ】

Even playing music had gotten draining, Athena found. 
She’d wanted Kato to come over and play, because that was what had helped her feel better, before, and she…wasn’t feeling too hot. She used to be able to play with Kato for hours in the garage; long enough to break the head off a drumstick or perfect a song they’d only started practicing the previous week. Sometimes he’d be the first to tap out, his fingertips bleeding from his strings or his shoulder raw from his guitar strap. 
Now, Athena couldn’t find it in her to keep it up. That afternoon they’d barely made it through one rendition of the song they were working on before she felt spent, and though she loved that Kato had finally started sometimes singing during their practices now, she couldn’t quite summon the exhilaration necessary to keep swinging her arms and moving her feet, and he seemed too concerned over her exhaustion to properly bask in her praise. 
They’d opted—or he’d offered—to call it on music for the day, and instead they could just chill out, kick back, watch a horror movie...have some popcorn. She agreed to all but the last, and pretended not to see his shoulders drop when she turned it down.

Truthfully, she wanted to not say no. She was hungry, and it was something comforting—eating popcorn with her best friend and watching a movie. So why couldn’t she just do it? 
Stuck fantasizing about how nice it would be “if it were possible” while aware that it should be possible—should be within her control—Athena did end up wondering if the whole thing hadn’t gotten away from her somewhere.
She couldn’t keep up with their music, which she so loved playing; and her mom still hadn’t noticed anything additional. No, her mom was consistently preoccupied with her excitement over the fact that Seth would be getting his PhD in just a couple months, and how wonderful that was going to be, and who to invite for the celebration afterwards which seemed to be threatening wedding-grade complexity.
She couldn’t outshine or overshadow that, and she didn’t even want to. Seth wasn’t supposed to be all tangled up in it; she wasn’t competing with him, not really…right? It was just to get mom to realize…anything. That the put-downs didn’t help. That they hurt, actually. That grades shouldn’t matter so much and maybe she loved her kids for something else, deep down. But maybe her mom didn’t; maybe the whole thing was worthless, she’d always be invisible in that house anyway; and so Athena wanted to take a defiant fistful of popcorn and let the movie be background noise while she tossed kernels in the air for her and Kato to trade off on trying to catch in their mouths while she told him, “I hope mom doesn’t expect Seth to kiss his thesis at the altar or something,” which would have made him laugh. They could kick back and pretend they were 18 already and out from under their parents’ thumbs; make a mess and then go make more “noise” once she got her energy up again, and get back to normal. That would be…fun.
But something about the idea of accepting the offer of food made her feel like a giver-up, even though she was no longer certain what the endgame was anymore.

The movie was better than Athena expected it to be; not as psychological or upsettingly human as Kato’s choices tended towards, so when the credits for The Descent finally finished rolling on the basement TV, Athena waited for his judgement. No matter who picked it, he usually had something to offer about whatever movie they watched: Sometimes something introspective, sometimes something involving a lot of profanity, sometimes just a facial expression that could bring Athena to tears of laughter.
“Honestly, I’m not mad at it. Pretty decent flick,” Kato said this time, and Athena couldn’t help but huff in amusement at his word choice.
“It might be the only thing you’re not mad at, then. You’re 99% rage,” she teased.
“98%. I’m not mad at you either,” he smiled, looking down to meet her eyes. 

It was that moment that seemed to catch them both off guard. Athena hadn’t realized how close they’d gotten over the course of the film. Sure, it was a horror movie, but she didn’t remember having been scared enough to be halfway to sitting in Kato’s lap, to having her head resting on his shoulder, her face nearly in the crook of his neck. But there she was, his arm across her shoulders, and she was looking up into his face and he was looking down into hers and they were just inches apart as they both hesitated.

She was jerked back a few months to when they’d both sat blushing on the curb after voicing mutual opinions of one another being “good-looking,” and maybe they hadn’t really left that there how she thought they had. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if they hadn’t.

It would be easy, she thought to herself, to just lean forward, to kiss him. It would be easy for him to make the same move. His eyes flickered down to her lips and back up—and then he turned his head; looked away, his expression unreadable.
“I...I should get home,” he said, haltingly, “It’s getting late, my dad needs to yell at me.” He pulled away from her and stood up, his shoulders tense.
“...Yeah. Wouldn’t wanna deny him the opportunity,” Athena replied, not knowing how to address the awkward weight of the air around them. Maybe at one point she would have said, “Hey, what gives? Do you wanna kiss me or not?” and demanded they clear things up, if only for her own peace of mind, because she’d startled herself again with looking at him like that, and wasn’t sure where they stood—either of them. Now, though, the silence felt lonely and brittle and she shrank instead of forcing the issue. For a moment neither of them spoke or moved, but Kato finally took a step away and Athena hastily got to her feet; stood too quickly and had to negotiate with her vision going temporarily black.
“At least let me walk you to the station,” she said, blinking back her sight and half-expecting rejection. Kato looked back at her, though, and some of the stiffness left his posture.
“...Yeah, alright.”

The walk to the train station was quiet and tense; Athena knew that the weight of something unsaid hung between the two of them, but neither addressed it—and it wasn’t until they’d been standing in silent unease on the platform together for a few minutes that Kato finally gave some ground.
“Don’t draw any stupid conclusions, okay?” he said, cryptic and uncomfortable, avoiding eye contact.
“...About what?” Athena asked, knowing exactly what.
“Just don’t.”

Athena had no response to that, and the awkward silence fell over them again, heavy on both their shoulders. The sight of the train coming spurred Athena to break it, though.
“Okay, well, if you don’t at least give me a hug goodbye? I’m sorry but I’m definitely gonna start jumping to conclusions.” 

At that, Kato finally laughed—it was a little strained; anxious at the edges, but it was real and he pulled her into a hug. It lasted just slightly longer than usual, was just a little tighter, and he only let go when the train had pulled in and opened its doors. He hesitated for a split second when he finally pulled away, his hand lingering on her back—but then seemed to crumple inward all but imperceptibly: His shoulders fell by a quarter inch and he let his hand drop to his side as he gave her a small, almost sad, smile.
“Be safe walking home, alright?” he said, his tone slipping into one that seemed too gentle for his spiked jacket and steel-toed boots. “And...make sure you eat dinner. Please.”
“...Okay,” Athena said. She frowned.
“Promise me.” Kato blinked rapidly and bit his lip, and Athena looked over his shoulder instead of at him, his worry bringing a guilty lump to her throat.
“You’re gonna miss your train.”
“Promise.”
“Okay, okay. I promise, Jules,” she said anxiously, gently shoving him in the chest, towards the train. He stepped aboard and the doors dinged impatiently.
He wore the expression of someone who had more to say; his blue eyes were dark and indecisive. The doors slid shut, though, and all he could offer her was a nod through their windows before the train started moving; pulling him and his sad eyes and his words unsaid out of sight.

She dragged herself home alone and freezing, and even though she sat at the dinner table with all intentions to at least try and keep her promise, attempting to block out her mom yammering on about whatever Seth was doing that was satisfactory, as opposed to all the unsatisfactory things she was or wasn’t doing, all she could manage was a few dry bites which she chewed too long. Her mom wasn’t noticing with any concern that she was failing to finish her plate, and Athena realized she didn’t necessarily want that, anymore. What she wanted—really wanted, was to be out of that house, away from her parents; sitting across from Kato and eating with him so that she could hear whatever it was his eyes had wanted to say.
“Make sure you eat dinner,” he’d said.
“Well, if you are not going to eat that, at least make certain you scrape it into the bin before you put your plate in to wash,” her mother interrupted her thoughts, waving a dismissive hand. “Otherwise everything will get disgusting.”
“Okay,” Athena replied, standing to leave the table.

Sorry, Jules…I just can’t.