Headup

📅 Autumn, 2011

✚ ᴛᴡ ғᴏʀ ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴ ᴏғ ʙᴜʟʟʏɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ sʜ/sᴜɪᴄɪᴅᴀʟ ɪᴅᴇᴀᴛɪᴏɴ + ᴀʟʟᴜsɪᴏɴ ᴛᴏ sᴇx ᴡᴏʀᴋ ✚

A week and a half after everything, Athena found herself sitting alone on the sidewalk outside the cafeteria doors, listening to the drone of traffic noise compete with waning cicada song. She was startled by movement in her periphery and turned to see Gabe plopping down beside her, his lunch tray in hand, like some weird role-reversal déjà vu.
“‘Sup, Athena?” he greeted, smiling; “Where’s David at?”
She just looked blankly at him at first. “Oh—Kato,” she said. “He dropped out.” 
“‘Kato.’” Gabe tilted his head. “That's what he goes by, huh? I thought I remembered you callin’ him something else, but I couldn’t remember what it was…I thought it started with a J.”
“I call him by his middle name sometimes, it starts with a J—Julian. You might’ve heard me call him ‘Jules.’ I think he prefers Kato, though, like, mostly.” 
“Gotcha. My friend Lucy doesn’t go by her full name, either,” Gabe said. “I guess neither does Seph, but that’s more of a nickname.”
“Which one is Lucy?” Athena asked. “I’ve seen your friends and all, but I don’t think I have classes with them…Is Seph the one with the freckles?”
“Liam’s the one with freckles. Seph’s the one with brown hair who’s always in a big hoodie, and, like, he’s a bit short? Lucy’s got long black hair. She doesn’t skate with us though, and she’s sorta in and out of school…She’s in the hospital right now. Psych stuff,” Gabe said, shrugging a shoulder and tossing Athena a small frown. “It’s kinda rough on her here.”
“Oh. I hope she feels better soon,” Athena said. She chewed on her cheek for a moment. “It’s, um, maybe a similar sort of sitch for Kato…not in the hospital, but…psych stuff. Bad for him here, too. Needed to get out of the shithole.”
Gabe took a bite of the school’s cardboard pizza. “Well, damn that he perma-dropped-out. I was kinda hoping he’d warm up to me this year. Y’all still together and everything?” he asked.
“Together? Uh…it’s complicated,” Athena decided on saying, then laughed. “He’s living with me and my brother now.”
“Really complicated, then,” Gabe grinned. “Care to share more with the class? If nah, it’s fine, sorry—your biz is your biz.”
“Afraid it kinda is my biz,” she replied, but added, waving her hands, “Not like you’re not chill! It’s just all a little wild, ya know…”

She hesitated, knowing that Kato would in no way approve of “randos” at school getting any gossip about him, and knowing that the whole reality of his situation was by necessity Top Secret. This was Gabe, though, and he was chill—Kato would like him if he gave him half a chance, Athena was sure. She decided to take a page out of Seth’s book, when it came to incomplete truths.
“Kato just ended up in a real bad spot,” she confided. “Like…A danger to himself. His dad’s an asshole and his mom’s a whole thing, so he came to live with us, but it was, uh…scary, I guess.”
Gabe frowned and briefly clasped her arm. “Damn, I’m sorry to hear it. I mean, I know this place was hell on him, like, that’s why I don’t really fault him on the not wantin’ to risk buddying up or anything. And the cutting and all, like, I dunno…Maybe that’s part of it for me.” He gave Athena a vaguely lopsided, confessional grimace. “Ian—you know, Gracian, my brother? He’s had his own stuff with cutting and depression and that. After mom died, Ian took it real hard…he overdosed once, and I found him. So I guess I’m just saying…I hope David—er, Kato—finds his way out of that dark place soon. I know it’s rough on everyone. If he ever feels like chilling with us outside of ‘the shithole,’ he’s got an invite. Your plus-one, if ya want.” Gabe patted her shoulder one more time and gave her a smile before returning to his lunch.

Athena felt the urge to tell him about finding Seth, then; it perched on the tip of her tongue, the vulnerability, the indecision—but before she could decide whether to share her parallel experience or not, someone called his name from down the walk. He lifted his head and waved over his brother and friends, approaching from the cafeteria’s exit, and Athena quietly swallowed her unspoken words in order to politely make a proper acquaintance with Ian, and his friends Bella and Milo, and with Gabe’s little skater group. She knew Liam and Elijah used to be Kato's friends, and that Mick used to be Cyrus's friend, so she was maybe a bit chilly with them, and they were maybe a bit aloof with her. Ezzy, with her neon-dyed hair and tongue ring, seemed alright though, and so did Joseph, who went by “Seph,” and said he’d egg her locker if she called him ‘Joe.’ 
Athena figured Gabe must not know much about some of his crew’s history with Kato, what with lamenting having not managed to befriend him before he dropped out. Gabe did still seem a little different with them; a little rougher around the edges, more like how he was walking down the halls, with a glare behind his black fringe. He reminded her more of Kato, amongst them, given the sarcasm and the smirk and everything. He was warmer one-on-one or when talking to his brother, who didn’t talk much himself—preferring to pass notes—because of a stutter that got him bullied a fair amount; something Gabe had told her. Half the altercations Gabe got into at school were just because of someone picking on Ian.

Even if she didn’t love most of his friends and how they seemed to make him a little more ‘guy’-ish, Gabe was good company in general, and clearly dedicated to his twin. She wanted to talk with him more after hearing about Ian’s suicide attempt, and would have invited him over, but Kato had been pretty adamant about not wanting to see or hear about anything from school—not now. 
“If you wanna bitch about it, it’s fine,” he said; “but I don’t…wanna know what anyone there is doing. Unless Trent gets hit by a bus, just spare me the details, will you?”
“What if I find us a bassist? Or a keyboard player?” she floated.
“Not from there,” he replied, and looked so tired behind the eyes that she dropped it. After all, sometimes he noticed when shopping centers or even the back part of the apartment lobby had the same style ceiling as their school building and actually would look physically uncomfortable until he could get out of there. The place really messed him up.

It was less bad for her, with some friends. Well, sort of friends. Mostly she considered Gabe and Ian her friends, and the rest of Gabe’s group ranged from “friendlies” to “people she tolerated.” As she hung out with them more, Liam did eventually pull her aside and ask if she’d “heard shit about him” from “David,” which she met by icily asking if he was sure he wanted to be seen chatting up the queers of the school. He dumped some cowardly excuse-pology about peer pressure on her that included “right, well, I mean, but,” and “we were all kids then,” and which she decided wasn’t worth committing to memory or trying to relay to Kato, because it ticked her off enough and she wasn’t even directly involved.
“Yeah, so was he,” she replied. “If you don’t wanna actually own your shit, then don’t bother bringing it up.”

She preferred talking to Gabe—one-on-one or with Ian, and when she got the opportunity, she picked his brain about music, a bit, more frequently. He and Ian were doing alright on Soundcloud. They had a bandcamp page, too, and a small following. They called themselves “Nightshrike” and did some kind of indie lo-fi stuff that didn’t seem to have much of anything in common with Athena and Kato’s nu-metalcore aspirations, but still…it was neat to hear that and how they were making it work. Made the whole thing feel a little less out of reach.

Gabe didn’t have people over to his place very often because his dad was “a dick,” in his words—though Ian used the terms “emotional” or “unpredictable.” With that struck from the table and passing conversations at lunch and in classes less than satisfactory, she did end up going out with Gabe and his group after school to their other haunts sometimes; skate parks, park-parks, malls—though she still thought that Liam was a rat. She knew that Mick put hands on Kato back in the day, too, which made her feel even worse when she went out with all them, since it meant leaving Kato at the apartment alone, even if he said it was fine. 
He’d said it was probably for the best, her going back to school without him; they needed a bit of distance to “get over each other.” Which had stung at the time, to hear.
“It’ll be harder for me, trust me,” he’d said, and given her the most gut-shot smile she’d ever seen.
“Why?” she asked.
“‘Cause you’re amazing.”
“No, why…get over each other? If I’m so amazing?”
“Because you’re amazing,” he said; “and I told you not to go to school that day. And I don’t know what I’d have done if you’d showed up anyway.” He swallowed. “The best case scenario is still that I would’ve blown my head off in front of you. Think you deserve a bit better than that.”
Then he’d gone out to smoke and refused to talk about it at all again. If she tried, he’d just shake his head and say she knew how he felt about it already, and she did eventually give up.

Yeah, it wasn’t gone…the crush, or whatever, but his refusal to entertain it had forced her to at the very least shelve the thing. Fortunately their friendship didn’t seem to have been too affected, even if they still sometimes looked at each other too long or with too much of an ache. They were getting better about it. They still went out, sometimes. To the movies, usually with Seth along, and they didn’t curl into each other. But he was still him, still funny, still her best friend, even if they didn’t hold hands so much now.

A “garage” unit down in the lot had freed up at their apartment complex in early October, and Seth had moved on nabbing it, so with her drum kit accessible and not somewhere that risked noise complaints if played, Athena and Kato had been able to get back to the real roots of their bond. The space wasn’t particularly well temperature-controlled, but it was theirs, and that was pretty awesome, even if it meant pouring sweat and/or having to cart in a space heater as autumn crept in. They still lacked proper recording equipment—and half the additional band members they wanted—but Kato would sometimes record them playing with his phone and try overlaying synthetic instruments onto the rather crunchy .mp3 using the program she’d “played drums” on over the summer. 
“It’s not gonna work,” he lamented, twisting his headphones to uncover one ear and shooting her a disappointed frown. She leaned in and pulled the headpiece free from his hair to listen. The melody was there, yeah, if muddled, but his voice was difficult to discern given all the noise and the low-quality recording, which failed to capture any real depth of sound. The digital additions were far clearer—naturally—and didn’t mesh with the music as much as they overrode it.
“Maybe with better audio equipment,” Athena offered. “I mean, it’s a phone mic.”
“Maybe with a recording studio and three more members,” Kato muttered. He closed out of the file without saving it. 
“I’m sure I could find people at school,” Athena tried, one more time. “The band kids never fucked with you, did they?”
“No. But I don’t wanna see their faces. I don’t wanna see any of them, and I don’t want them seeing me. Or knowing me, or talking to me about anything. I just want that whole fuckin’ chapter of my life gone, ‘Thee.” Kato hunched his shoulders. “Try me again in, like, three years. Maybe I’ll have repressed it all by then.”
She rubbed his arm. “Hopefully we’ll have the band all assembled in three years. They’ll all be dying to see your face, then. They’ll be asking for your autograph.”
He huffed a shallow snort. “Yeah. And I’ll throw your snare at them.”

—

October had come in quick and and it blew out kind of harsh—they actually ended up with snow days, which was pretty fuckin’ epic. 
“Guess it doesn't feel any different to you, though,” she told Kato, swiveling from watching the snow fall out the balcony door.
“Damn, that cuts deep. You think I don't have a life?” he drawled from the sofa. He was seeming pretty much back to his old self, as compared to September, which was a relief. He'd been churning out more songs with his newfound free time, and when he wasn’t devouring Seth's entire library, she often came home to him playing guitar and singing. He wasn’t willing to do it around Seth yet, which she told him he’d have to stomach at some point, because if they were gonna be a band, the audience was going to include more faces than just hers. 

“I know you have a life. Especially when I’m around to make it worth living,” Athena sassed, batting her eyelashes and framing her face with her hands briefly before dropping them. “But aside from us not going to the movies or something, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t mean anything to you if it’s a snowpocalypse out there or not: You broke the chains already, you don’t gotta celebrate that school’s off anymore. So, like, what, you gotta get your crampons for your ciggie-hike to the corner store? I don’t think so.” She tilted her chair back and balanced it on two legs.
“Psh. Sure it feels different,” he said, sitting up: “I gotta worry about frostbite while I smoke. Also, you’re home, so I can’t do all my normal shit.”
“What, like jack off 50 times a day?” she ribbed.
“Hm.” He tapped a finger to his chin and put on an exaggerated thoughtful expression which dissolved into a smile. “I meant ‘chat with strangers on the internet and lead them on so they’ll buy me things or send me money,’ but maybe I should start jacking off. That might get me more bank.”
Athena wrenched around to stare directly at him, briefly tipping her chair so that it pirouetted around on only one leg, and nearly fell out of it. “Oh my god, you’re not actually doing that, right?” she asked, one hand still clamped onto the breakfast bar as she regained her balance.
Kato lolled sideways and draped himself back across the sofa in the other direction, propping himself up on one elbow, still smiling. “What’s the harm?” he asked, with a lackadaisical wave of his hand. “I get money in my pocket, they get to think I'm hot for them, it all works out.”
“You’re not sending nudes or anything, are you?” Athena asked, then pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Jesus, Kato, that’s so fucked up…”
“Nudes, again, would probably get me more money. You have great ideas, ‘Thena, I’ve changed my mind, I’m glad you’re here.” He grinned at her. “Nah, though, it’s just cybersex and shirtless pics sometimes. Who gives a damn, right? That’s not pornography or anything. No tits.” He cupped the empty air in front of his chest and laughed while she shook her head.
“Dude, you’re being a cyber-hooker for cigarette money? Just flip burgers or something!”
“I wouldn’t get as much attention flipping burgers, I don’t think,” he smirked. “It’s whatever, I’m being safe: No real names or addresses. As far as they know, they’re talking to ‘Bennett Reed’ from Floral Park. What’s the deal? Is it bad to jail-bait freaks outta their money or something? Better I have it than they do.”
“Well obviously, you’ll just buy guns and cigarettes, nothing to worry about.” Athena rolled her eyes. “I hope you at least crop your face out.”
“Why, am I ugly?”
“No, you’re stupid.”